How to make someone feel heard and seen

Technical skills do not guarantee perpetual career progression; “soft skills” become more important as you climb the career ladder.
To feel heard is to feel understood as saying something meaningful. To feel seen is to feel understood for who you are.
- Feeling “heard” means feeling understood, more specifically it’s an understanding of something you said — usually centred on a specific point, argument, or expression.
- Feeling “seen” also means feeling understood, but it’s more like “feeling acknowledged” or “feeling recognised”. It’s about identity.

Be an observer

The foundation of making people feel “heard” and “seen” is paying attention to them.
People’s behaviours can be very telling and a good observer is able to read people and understand — through verbal and non-verbal cues — that something might be going on with someone.

In conversations, many of us often spend our mental energy planning our responses instead of truly listening, because of that, we often miss important details and nuances that the other person is trying to express.
To make people feel truly “heard”, focus exclusively on listening and absorbing what’s said, even if it takes longer to come up with a response later.

What better way to make someone feel “heard” and “seen” than by showing them that you understand what it feels like to walk in their shoes?
Sometimes it can be difficult to understand how someone else feels if you haven’t been in a similar situation.
- In this case, imagining what they might be going through will still help get you closer to that person.

Reflecting a situation back to someone means explaining it using your own words, based on what you have observed.
- This is helpful because it shows you paid attention, and it’s a great way to make people feel “seen”.
- It usually works well combined with asking for confirmation.
In the same way, reflecting listening means rephrasing what you have heard to make sure you understand what was said. It is an excellent way to make people feel “heard”.

Sometimes people need to be reminded that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel things and that their experience is valid.
Stay away from judging at all costs! It makes people feel dismissed and unimportant, which is the exact opposite of “heard” and “seen”.
As a rule of thumb, even if people don’t really ask for it, validating people’s feelings is never a bad idea.

Resist the urge to go into “fixing” mode. When people share personal things with us, they most often just want a safe space where they can express themselves freely.
Try to listen without needing to offer a solution, unless you’re explicitly asked for one.